cmacord

rotten oranges balancing with the waves 

contrasting the dark blue the pale blue

the blues 

shaking you around like qigong 

leaving you tired and content

when is gone/done

like after a cry, like after sex

like when you found god

on the side of that wall

wooden faith 

wavy and blessed

that after years of neglection?

seems impassive to mould

palosanto smoke was the cue 

to take the stage down

to dress up

and go out

to surrender yourself to the sharks 

to swallow your biles to keep your head high 

straight like a candle

persistent like a Leo sun

please and thank you hello and bye

daily practice crate success

they say

---

I have been to my unconscious quite a lot recently

you weren’t there

neither work neither friends

it was all paris

salmon pink

ruby red

and emerald green

Beautiful portraits of pretty ladies

all of them were blonde

all of them were sad

a trip to 70s japan

tons of people driving ugly cars

around an orange light

I have been to my unconscious quite a lot recently

and nobody knew you

so now I wonder

how relevant your presence is 

in my life

how hurt would I be if at some point 

you find someone

how fast I would forget about you if at some point

I go

because if you are the one going 

I don’t think I will get over it

not me once again,

stuck in someone’s city

looking for familiar faces and

longing for the past

---

in one of the trips I realised that we are inside a pair of tights and we resurrect from the inside like a snake with new skin like a coat of shame we take off to sit for lunch 

Imagine living inside a sock! inside a dirty black basketball sock. stinky.

---

oscar

the other day I thought I found you

same eyes, same taste, same pain

every minute was reassuring calming sweet

your voice was low

and your teeth have worn probably

over a thousand hours of smiles

then you made me cry

made me realise is ok to love

and is ok to stop loving

that every relapse is never the last one

and that is ok to to spend your life looking for peace

and not living with it

the other day I thought I| found you

then we kissed quietly

and made love twice

made me me think that maybe sex

is that

no rush just

to enjoy each other

all my life saying that the important but is the journey

never the end result

and at my almost 30 got to experience 

it with you

after five hours of a date

and now here I am 

somewhere else but carrying you deeply

not sure if this is it

but happy!

as I thought it never be at all

feeling sure about you

even if you are not

the other day I thought I found you

and while in your bed I dreamt about

fish heads coming from the tap

and people freezing to death

I told you we laughed then

i sucked tour thomb i bite your leg

feeling happy just to be there

maybe the dream was a premonition

or maybe was a purge

I think I think you are but you are not

and it   is   ok 

just that if the thought of you become real

now i can afford to keep you

dont let me lose myself

---

I like it here because even if the sky is never clear

the sun and moon always find the way to hit you

---

I dont know about love by limerence

I don’t know life but hell

I miss you almost every day

I just rest when you’re gone

I breath you almost

at the verge of asphyxiation

because I have to

and I need the idea of you to keep going

and all your love is never enough 

if it doesn’t follow slap

the physical touch that

wakes you up

physical touch

the one you cry for and makes you beg on your knees

the one that remind you that

no love will ever be good for you

isnt it love confusing

isn’t it love hard

isn’t it just a privilege 

tailored for white blonde girls

they are the ones willing to suffer

but suffering keeps running away from them

---

to do:

a man who just follow models

a monzo card 

an painter who just follow galleries

a new grey hair on your left side

a pimple in the middle of your back

a pinky toe nail

a kiss in the forehead

a warm beer

an empty pocket 

a paid debt

a view from thay rooftop

a stain on my top

a tic on your eye

a flight that got cancelled

a ticket to beirut

a ham and mustard sandwich

a rapper who is in love with you

a frog bite

a silver lining

a bed to make

a disabling period pain

an evening with her

---

i hate all of them for forgetting me 

after we together get fucked

they shot their trouble inside me

and leave me 

dripping their traumas for

at least two days after

they clearly said 

goodbye to my face

‘goodbye its has been fun’

it feels like a shutter blowing my hair

the sound is horrible as well

makes me want to cry to them

and wrap myself around their tights 

and scream very close to their skin

PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME

while their leg hair tickle my lips

what should I fill them with

what should they drip around when they leave

I guess some of them have also suffered my loss

and I don’t care about them as they

weren’t bad enough

because I like

when they spit inside my moth

all the bitterness they have been accumulating

since that other woman left them

naked broken and skint

leaving around a snail trail

of precum trauma

every time they think about them

we both are bad right? just one of us seems to enjoy it

I hate when they deny connection

how many girls have you talked in french to?

it will break me if you say some 

but i cant expect you to say none

I have also had men speaking in French to me before

refusing to cuddle

slapping my face and

calling me names

then kissing my forehead 

and screaming A BIENTOT

so loud that 

I can taste their blood on my vocal cords

I don’t normally see them again

thank god

but I keep looking for them over and over

in every empty pair of eyes

in every pronounced rib cage

in every set of rotten teeth

in every weirdly long feet

none of them have said i love you

thank god

cant believe how lucky I am that

all i ever hear is goodbye

i hate that they leave me free

and vomiting and crying 

nothing but their presence

even while im still lie next to them

and it’s kind of ok

and i take it as a purge

because along their trauma goes mine

and sometimes I need a reason to cry

because why would I do it otherwise

I remember every hand

like i remember every trip

places you get stuck into 

for no valid reason

and every hit is an alarm 

that wakes me up from the void

I regularly submit myself into

so i can take the next step

and every bruise brings me to the realisation

that to feel used sometimes is not that bad 

when you use that being used

to keep fighting back